💡 My Take

I decided to read this book as I felt the need to improve on my people skills, if I wanted to grow in my career. And the very first chapter validated my thoughts (and added to my confirmation bias 🙂)

15% of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85% is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people.

Dale Carnegie provides advice on interpersonal relationships based on behavioural psychology. He uses excellent storytelling and real-life examples to back up his advice on how to deal with people.

One of the core ideas in the book is that people are not logical but emotional creatures. Being an engineer, I have spent almost 15 years of my life being trained to think strictly orthologically. Which is probably not the best strategy when dealing with people.

The book has received some criticism that the advice it provides is manipulative. But if you actually pay attention when reading the book, you will realise that in multiple instances Carnegie argues that all his advice is to be genuinely internalised so that you form new habits and a new way of life. Carnegie argues to embrace these methods for the value they bring to both you and other people, not to manipulate anyone.

If you want to enhance your people skills, I strongly recommend reading this book 😊.

1-Page Summary

• 📈 About 15% of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85% is due to skill in human engineering - to personality and the ability to lead people.
• 😤 Don’t criticise, condemn or complain. People are creatures of emotion, not logic. Criticism, however logical, will put the other person on the defensive and will hurt their pride. Instead, work on yourself to become more sympathetic. Reward good behaviour instead of punishing for bad behaviour.
• 🙇 Give honest and sincere appreciation. Everyone desires a feeling of importance and almost everyone feels superior to you in some way. Let them realise in some subtle way that you realise their importance, and recognise it sincerely.
• 🧲 Arouse in the other person an eager want. The only way to influence other people is to understand their point of view, talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
• 😲 Become genuinely interested in other people. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. You can win someone’s attention by becoming genuinely interested in them. Not by trying to get them interested in you.
• 🙂 Smile. If you want others to enjoy meeting you, you need to enjoy meeting them. Your smile is a messenger of your good will.
• 👤 A person’s name is their most important sound in any language. The name sets the individual apart among all others. Remember and use their name.
• 🙅‍♂️ The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Even when you win an argument, you will have hurt the other person’s pride and they will resent your triumph. If you want to change someone’s mind, try to see the other person’s viewpoint, use tact and diplomacy.
• 🙏 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”. Doing so will hurt their feelings and you will never make them to agree. Instead of judging their statement, understand what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.
• 😬 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. This technique will produce a generous and forgiving attitude from others while it will be more fun than trying to defend yourself.
• 🙃 Begin in a friendly way. A friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than force and anger.
• 👍 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
• 💡 Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs. We prefer to feel that we are acting on our own ideas rather than feeling like we are being persuaded or sold on something.
• 🧐 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.
• 🫂 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Most people are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
• 🕊️ Appeal to the nobler motives. All of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
• 🎭 Dramatise your ideas. If you want attention, your ideas have to be made vivid, interesting and dramatic.
• ⚔️ Throw down a challenge. Every successful person loves the chance to prove their worth.
• 👏 Begin with praise and honest appreciation. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
• 🔦 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Use "and" instead of "but" after sincere praise, as this allows you to indirectly address someone's mistakes.
• 🪞 Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person. Admitting your mistakes can encourage others to change their behaviour.
• ❓ Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Asking questions instead of giving direct orders encourages cooperation, fosters creativity, and allows people to correct their mistakes while preserving their pride and feeling of importance, making them more likely to accept and engage with decisions.
• 🫣 Let the other person save face. Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy their ego and hurt their pride by causing them to lose face.
• 🎉 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” Praise people and inspire them with a realisation of their latent possibilities. Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Let them know that you have faith in their ability and they will practise until dawn in order to excel.
• 🏅 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. They will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
• 😊 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. When you make your request, put it in a form shows them how it will benefit them personally.
• 🎙️ The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. The person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what they really possess.

Chapter by Chapter Summary

🗝️ Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

🫂 Principle 1: Don’t criticise, condemn or complain

😤 When dealing with people, we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. Ninety-nine percent of the time, people don’t criticise themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

⚠️ Criticism is:

• futile because it puts a person on the defensive and makes them strive to justify themselves. The person we are going to correct will probably justify themselves and condemn us in return.
• dangerous because it wounds a person’s pride, hurts their sense of importance and arouses resentment.

Like any other animal, humans will learn much more rapidly when rewarded for good behaviour rather than when punished for bad behaviour. By criticising, we do not make lasting changes.

🫂 Instead of condemning people, try to understand them. This breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.

🪞 Instead of trying to change and improve others, start with yourself. From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable.

🙇 Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation

The only way to get anybody to do anything is by making them want to do it. To do this, give them what they want - and everyone wants a feeling of importance.

You can determine a person's character by knowing how they get their feeling of importance.

Honest appreciation is not flattery; it’s a new way of approaching life. Flattery is insincere, and in the long run, it will do more harm than good.

In your relations, remember that all your associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation.

• 🧐 Try to figure out the other person’s good points. Stop thinking of yours.
• 😇 Forget flattery and give honest appreciation.
• 🙌 Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.

🧲 Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want

You are eternally interested in what you want. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are eternally interested in what we want.

The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Understand the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in them an eager want is not to be seen as manipulating that person. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

❤️ Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You

😲 Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people

People are only interested in themselves. You can win the attention, time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Not by trying to get them interested in you.

A dog makes a living by giving you nothing but love. Follow that example. If you want to make friends:

• do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
• greet people with animation and enthusiasm.

A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention.

🙂 Principle 2: Smile

If you want others to enjoy meeting you, you need to enjoy meeting them.

Force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy.

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness and there is one sure way to find it: by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It’s not about what you have, who you are, where you are, or what you’re doing; it’s about how you think about it. It is your mental attitude.

👤 Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

One of the simplest and most effective ways to gain good will is by remembering names and making people feel important.

The name sets the individual apart. It makes them unique among all others. The request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual.

The name will work magic as we deal with others.

👂 Principle 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves

Listening intently and with genuine interest is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.

If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other people will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine that kills millions.

People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.

🕵️‍♂️ Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

The road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things they treasure most.

🙌 Principle 6: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely

Always make the other person feel important. We all want the approval of those with whom we come in contact. We want recognition of our true worth. We don’t want insincere flattery but sincere appreciation.

Almost everyone considers themselves important. Very important. Almost all the people you meet feel temselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realise in some subtle way that you realise their importance, and recognise it sincerely.

🤝 Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

🙅‍♂️ Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each participant more firmly convinced than ever that they are absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t, because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. That’s because, when you win an argument, although you will feel fine, the other person will feel inferior. You have hurt their pride and they will resent your triumph.

You may be right, dead right. But as far as changing another’s mind is concerned, you will probably be just as futile as if you were wrong.

A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.

Keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

• 🙇 Welcome the disagreement. If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful as it may correct you before making a serious mistake.
• 🫢 Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive.
• 🤬 Control your temper.
• 👂Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Try to build bridges of understanding.
• 🤝 Look for areas of agreement.
• 😇 Be honest. Apologise for your mistakes.
• 🤔 Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully. And mean it.
• 🙏 Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. They are interested in the same things you are. They may help you and become your friends.
• ⏳ Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. During that time assess:
  • If there is truth in their argument.
  • Whether your reaction will drive your opponents further away or draw them closer to you.
  • Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me.
  • Will I win or lose?
  • What price will I have to pay if I win?
  • If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
  • Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

🙏 Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”

You can tell people they are wrong, but you will never make them want to agree with you. That is because it attacks their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. Logic won’t help you because you have hurt their feelings.

Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so” to you. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to argue before you even begin. If you are going to prove anything, do it so subtly that no one will feel that you are doing it.

Use phrases like “I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts”. Admitting that you may be wrong will stop arguments and inspire your opponent to admit that they, too, may be wrong.

Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biassed. And most people don’t want to change their minds.

👨‍⚖️ Our first reaction to most of the statements from other people, is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it. We feel “that’s right” or “that’s stupid” or “that’s incorrect” etc. Instead, try to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.

😬 Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

Say about yourself all the negative things the other person wants to say and say them before that person has a chance to say them. When you are wrong, admit it quickly and with enthusiasm. This technique will produce a generous and forgiving attitude from others while it will be more fun than trying to defend yourself.

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit your errors. It clears away guilt and defensiveness and often helps resolve the problem caused by the error.

🙃 Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way

If someone is upset and holds resentment toward you, no amount of logic will change their mind. People don’t want and cannot be forced to change their minds. But they may possibly be led to, if we are very gentle and friendly.

Kindliness, a friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than any amount of force and anger.

👍 Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately

When talking with people, don’t begin by discussing your differences. Begin by emphasising the things on which you agree. Keep emphasising, that you are both working toward the same goal, and that your only difference is one of method, not of purpose.

Get the other person saying ”yes, yes” at the outset. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.

Keep your opponent from saying “No”. A “No” response is difficult to overcome. When you have said “No”, all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. The entire organism gathers itself together into a condition of rejection.

🗣️ Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Instead, let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their problems. So ask them questions and let them tell you.

Do not interrupt, even if you disagree with them. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have things to say. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

💡 Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs

No one likes to feel that they are sold something or told to do a thing. We prefer to feel that we are acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants and thoughts.

🧐 Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view

Other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Instead, try to understand why they think and act as they do. By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.

How would you feel and react if you were in their place? Why should they want to do what you are saying? Seeing things through another’s point of view will avoid making enemies and will get better results with less friction.

Increase your tendency to always think in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle, as well as your own.

🫂 Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

You are what you are because of your body, environment and experiences. You deserve very little credit for being what you are. Similarly, people who come to you irritated, bigoted or unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Sympathise with them.

Most people are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you. Use phrases like “I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

🕊️ Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives

All of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

People are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few. And even these exceptions will in most cases react favourably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.

🎭 Principle 11: Dramatise your ideas

Just stating the truth is not enough. If you want attention, the truth has to be made vivid, interesting and dramatic. You can dramatise your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.

⚔️ Principle 12: Throw down a challenge

Every successful person loves the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove their worth, to excel and win. The desire for a feeling of importance.

🧭 Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment

👏 Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

🔦 Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.

Using the word “and” instead of “but” calls attention to someone’s mistakes indirectly and works wonders with sensitive people who resent any direct criticism. This can often be the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offence or arousing resentment.

🪞 Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person

Admitting your own mistakes, even when you haven’t corrected them, can help convince somebody to change their behaviour.

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticising begins by humbly admitting that they, too, are far from impeccable.

❓ Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

Give people the opportunity to do things themselves. Let them learn from their mistakes. This technique makes it easy for a person to correct their errors, save their pride and gives them a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Resentment caused by an order may last a long time, even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

Asking questions, instead of giving direct orders, makes an order more palatable. It often stimulates the creativity of the person who you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

🫣 Principle 5: Let the other person save face

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy their ego and hurt their pride by causing them to lose face. Next time, before criticising someone stop and think of it.

A few considerate words and a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude would go far toward alleviating the pain from the criticism.

🎉 Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

Genuinely praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere, not something the other person may be saying just to make someone feel good. We all crave appreciation and recognition. But it must be genuine. Nobody wants insincerity and flattery.

Praise people and inspire them with a realisation of their latent possibilities. Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. If you inspire people to a realisation of their potential, you not only will change them but you will literally transform them.

🏅 Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. Assume and state that openly. Doing that will give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

💪 Principle 8: If you want to help others improve, use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct

If you tell someone that they are dump at a certain thing, that they have no gift for it and that they are doing it all wrong, you will destroy almost all their incentives to try to improve.

If you liberally encourage them, make the thing seem easy to do, let them know that you have faith in their ability and that they have an undeveloped flair for it, they will practise until dawn in order to excel.

😊 Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behaviour:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything you cannot deliver. Focus on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is that the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants. For example, one technique is to give titles and a feeling of authority.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that they personally will benefit.

You will not always get a favourable reaction when you use these approaches. But the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles.

🎙️ A shortcut to distinction

The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It separates a person from the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what they really possess.

Some of the most important business successes were won by people who possessed, in addition to their knowledge, the ability to talk well, to win others to their way of thinking and to sell themselves and their ideas.